Let's be more than nice; let's be kind (02.09.2025)

I’m really upset with a friend. Irrationally so, perhaps but not without justification. What has upset me? Well, I tried to do a kind act – three, in fact -- and when it all went ‘wrong’, they sent several hurtful emails. How should I respond? I’m not too sure. I tried honesty and met with silence, so now I’m opting for space to lick my wounds.

We have all been there and found different ways to move on or mend fences. But it has got me thinking about the difference between being kind and being nice. Both are about treating people well, but there is a subtle difference.

Philosophically, we would say that being nice is about social obligations; being kind is supererogatory -- it is excessive, going way beyond the obligations we owe people.

I can be nice to someone without it costing me much. I can smile politely and change a topic of conversation to avoid conflict; I can practice my Ps and Qs and get on with my life because I have preserved social harmony. People will speak well of me even if I have suppressed what I really think about them.

Consider Jane Austen’s novels, where niceness is studied in great detail, mocked and praised in equal measure. We learn the art of conversation, how to give a compliment and how to avoid causing offence.

Owing to its superficiality, niceness doesn’t nurture deep connections with others. You can be nice to me and dislike me intensely, but rather than let this diminish the importance of niceness, it enhances it. Why? Because superficiality doesn’t necessarily mean insincerity. You aren’t going to ruin a friend’s dinner party by telling someone what you think of them. Being nice allows our social life to flow smoothly. It’s important, and we could do with more of it.

Of course, niceness isn’t the same as being polite. I’m polite when I adhere to society’s rules of etiquette. I’m nice when I care about those rules. If we think of it as footsteps in the sand, politeness is the first step, niceness the second and kindness the third.

So, what is kindness?

It springs from a deep well of compassion. It isn’t just about social norms; it’s about acting with integrity and empathy.  When you’re being kind to someone, you’re thinking about their well-being. It can be uncomfortable and costly (unlike niceness). You might have to stand up for the outcaste or help when there is no chance of reward. You might even have to offer hard truths or set boundaries with love and respect.  It isn’t performative; it’s authentic and has no interest in external recognition.

Niceness will gloss over problems to avoid tension, while kindness does the opposite, always aiming for a genuine resolution through sensitivity and care. Niceness can win momentary approval, but kindness builds the foundations for meaningful relationships.

There is another aspect to kindness too which the existentialist philosophers often talk about. Kindness is not a state of being – you can’t say, ‘I’m a kind person’ as if that is the essence of who you are. Rather kindness is something we do, and we can never do it enough because we are never done with the task of living. Kindness and living go hand-in-hand.

It is costly because we meet the ‘other’ on a deep level. If everyone were like you or me then there wouldn’t be any need for kindness. However (and regrettably so) we misunderstand, we misconstrue, we get lost in our subjectivity and consequently we hurt others. Kindness, then, is the desire to overcome these limitations. It is the never-ending action that allows us to foster and build relationships.

And we need it more than ever in our world today. Our social and political lives are wrought with anger and hatred, cruel words and judgements. Sometimes it feels like we are losing ourselves in division and fear, nurtured by those in power who seek their own ends.  Kindness, then is the antidote to this. It’s the medicine we need for healing.

And this is why I am so upset with my friend. The world will do what it does, but we can be different; we can act with kindness and make life worth living.